I am getting married in 7 days

I keep counting down the days, and the minutes.
But I am honestly still shocked this is happening at all.
I get to become a Gilmore.
These passing months have seemed like a dream, a daze.
A really planned/stressful daze.
And now it's all coming together. I didn't think it would change the way I felt at all.
Because I was going to be with you, regardless if we were married.
If we didn't get married, I still just planned to date you.

But the closer the days get, I can feel it.
It's so strong, but it's quite, soft, constant, and close..
It's hard to put into words because there are so many feelings that don't come with words.
But I guess sometimes, that's what makes it special.
You only understand if you have felt it.
Like motherhood.

I get to create my own little world with you.
I get to experience everything I am going to experience with the very best friend I have.

Which, if you think about it, I have been doing since I met you.
But taking on your last name, makes me realize..
I get to become part of the most amazing family.
(I am not just saying this to get brownie points from family members either.
I would look up to your family regardless of me getting to become a part of it or not. )

Every Gilmore is so strong, and passionate.
Every Gilmore mother and sister is everything I could ever hope to be.
Every Gilmore father and brother is everything I could ever hope to have.
Smart, dedicated, intelligent, accepting, caring, hilarious, and always progressing.

When I think of your family, it's hard for me not to tear up, because maybe, some day, if I become a mother, our kids will have those same traits that I admire so much.
I have become so close with your family.
And that means so much to me.
I feel as if I am marrying into a pool of best friends.
And I want to thank you for giving me that opportunity.

You, my best friend.
It's so amazing to watch you grow and progress.
You have been a million different versions of yourself since we first met, and cannot wait to see everything else you will become.
You challenge me, almost daily, and in so many different ways.
Some, I appreciate, and others, although I don't appreciate them in the moment, they have made me grow into a very, very, very patient person.
You understand me so well, that I wouldn't even need to talk to you, if I didn't enjoy talking to you so much.
I have always felt like words have so much meaning, the only meaning until I met you.
You've taught me all the meanings of silence, and sound.
I can always understand how you feel by what your music sounds like.
It's a direct path to your brain, without the confusing muck of words and definitions.
And it's the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.
I find it hard to share you with others sometimes, but I love to see you make an impact on how others perceive the world. And you bring so much laughter, and thoughtful discussion. I love that.
I laugh until I cannot breathe every day I am with you. Every day.
You have opened my mind in so many different ways and I am forever grateful for that.
You have made me a more spiritual, trusting, caring person.
You are always pushing my limits for progression.
You want me to be the best version I can be. And not only do I need that, but I respect that about you.
I cannot wait to see our progression with one another.

So, thank you.
Thank you for everything. 

Domino effect

I've never imagined my life could change so much, and so rapidly.

These past few weeks seemed to be a domino effect.

Frightening at first, but when every thing finishes falling, it makes a beautiful bigger picture.

And New York City is what started everything.

\

New York was nothing like I thought it would be.

It was crowded yes, but never as chaotic and it seemed.

Every street is different, but they all have the same feel, if that makes sense.

One of the countless things I loved about NY, is that everyone is so focused, and determined.

They are so focused on themselves, and that sounds bad, but I don't mean it that way.

For me, it made me think, what do I need to be focusing on?

What should I be so determined about?

I cannot explain how I felt when I first saw you.

Maybe I shouldn't try.

Because it's one of the most sacred, raw, and emotional moments I've ever been through.

And even if I could find the words to describe what I felt, I don't feel like they would do it justice.

Being there, though. Felt right.

I was in one of the most amazing cities in the world, and I was there with my best friend.

I soon learned how you went about your days, and met the people in your every day life.

It made me happy to see that you've made a life out there.

I didn't expect anything less from you, but seeing it in person was breathtaking.

For the past few months, I felt you move away from me.
In your heart, and in your mind.
This trip showed me where they were.
They are in your dreams, in your goals, in your passion, in your work.
They are in your music. 
You are so focused, so one-track minded with what you want.
If I didn't find it so brilliant and admirable, I'd find it irritating.
You have made me realize, that in order to get what you want in life, you have to be obsessed. Completely. You have to emerge yourself in it totally.
And that's what you have done. 
People will see your passion, and dedication- and you will get the things you want out of life. 

This trip made me realize how much I am going to miss you over the passing months.

But being apart will give us time to figure out who we are.
We'll have new stories to tell, new scars to show, and new songs to hum to one another.
And it will teach me how to rely on myself rather than on you.
Which will be interesting after being so dependent on you for so long.

It's only been a week and everything already seems so different, and so strange. 

Hospital Daze

I practically grew up in a hospital. I wasn't sick ever, no. But because that's what I did with my dad, that's where he worked.
While my did his rounds on the graveyard shift.

I'd get to stay up late, roll around in wheel chairs, and not only had the password for the break room, but also a endless supply of juice.
Hospitals have never made me worried or scared.
Sometimes, late at night, if I couldn't sleep, and knew the patient was awake, and my dad had already introduced me to them, I'd sit next to their bed, and just be.
Some would tell me what happened to them, some would smile and we would enjoy the long silences between us. Sometimes we'd watch television.

But it was a hospital, it wasn't always pretty.
 I would see blood, I heard people cry, I heard the stories, I saw scars and wounds.
But it never phased me for some reason, I always knew things would be okay.
My dad was down the hall, and they had big selection of juice and milk flavors.
Things would be okay.

 My point is, I've ever been scared to walk into a hospital, I've never been restless or worried.
If anything, it was comfortable for me.
I could tell you where they keep the warm blankets. I could tell you the colors the hospital socks come in.
The first time I've ever been scared in a hospital, was  December 9, 2011.
The day of your first arm surgery.
I didn't get to see you before you went into the operating room, and that killed me.
I sat in the waiting room for five hours. Trying to eat the snacks I'd packed the night before, trying to work on  finishing one of the many books that needs finishing, talking to your mother and trying not cry like the complete wuss that I am.
That waiting room was so uncomfortable. I kept looking at the screen to see if your surgery status had changed at all, and for five hours, it hardly changed.

The doctor finally came out, and told us how everything went.
He told us we could go up to the room.

So, we grabbed our things. And yours.
Unfortunately, you have no idea how to pack light.
So, the trip upstairs wasn't exactly easy on the arms.
So, we get to the room.
Me and your mother. And it's empty.
You hadn't come up from recovery yet.
So again, we waited. Probably for another forty minutes.
You finally came in. I let your mom rush to you first. I didn't want to intrude.
I was surprised, because shortly after, you asked " Is Paige here?"
"I am here, Jared." I said loudly enough for you to look in my general direction. I walked over to you, swept your hair back and kissed your forehead.
"Hi", I said.
I always seem to do that, whenever I am nervous or excited about something, the only thing that seems to come out is 'hi'.
I am sorry you got involved with girl who has the vocabulary of a kindergartner.

 I was so happy to see you, though. You looked tired and your medicine was starting to wear off.
 I sat in the chair closest to your bed, and moved it even closer.
Your mom left, and so it was just you and I.
It was a little bit of a silent room, because of how much you were sleeping. So, I tried to read my book.
But, mostly I paced around the room, fiddled with my journal and camera, and dealt with the nurses.

It was okay that you slept so much, not only were you healing, but it also gave me some time to take a few photos.

Every time you woke up throughout the day you would say I love you.
It was cute, and drug educed.
Drugs- the doorway to romance.

Your parents and I talked, and decided I'd stay the night with you there, at the hospital.
 I wouldn't have had it any other way. Your parents were kind enough to bring me dinner.
And you were kind enough to say awake for about two minutes for their visit.

Towards the late night hours, you were up, talking to me.
Scratch that. I was talking to you.
But, your eyes were open and you responded, usually.
I tried to get you to eat something, so you wouldn't feel as nauseated from all the medication.
I got a fig nugget, two saltines, and half of the Clementine I was enjoying, in you.
There was one point in the night, where I asked you what we were going to do, when you left to New York, and you looked at me with your squinty eyes and said " I am going to throw up."
I grabbed a bucket, and you did, in fact throw up.
I know. I am the worst for bringing that up- but in my defense, you seemed coherent.
And then you had to be all dramatic, and throw up to avoid the entire subject.

The night was long, and filled with multiple nurses.
Almost every single one would ask me if I was your wife.
I would tell them no, in hopes they would drop the subject entirely, but they would ask ' Are you his girlfriend?'
I would tell them yes, in hopes they would drop the subject entirely, but then some would say ' You must care about him a lot. Girlfriends hardly stay over'
Which, just made me said for humanity entirely.
You can have just as much feelings for someone being their girlfriend, as you would being their wife. If anything, wife's don't like you as much.
Because when you're married, you're allowed to hate the other person.

So anyway, it was around one a.m. when I tried to go to bed. After a few hours in the recliner chair, and having to move away from your bed for the nurses, only to move it back when they were done.
You looked at me and said to come lay next to you.

I knew you loved me before this.
But that moment, was when it really set in for me.
You shared your hospital bed with me. I'll never forget that moment.
I crawled in next to you, as we arranged the blankets in a manner that would keep us both covered.
And we slept.

Or tried to, at least.
I would jolt up random times in the night, just to make sure you were okay.
I had to move out of the bed around seven, because the nurses had to get to you, and I was in the way, again.
That whole next day was long for both of us.
You didn't want to go home, you hardly ate anything, and you felt awful.
The only time I left was to go to the store to get you things you might want later on
 (Don't worry, I left you with water by your side, and 30 Rock on your laptop.)
After having the worst experience at the store, I had finally gotten mini Coke bottles, Wheat Thins, and Go-Gurt. I rushed back in the hospital. I was so relieved to see you hardly moved since I left you. I asked you if you wanted anything I got for you and you told me no.
Le sigh

There is so much more of this I could be writing about.
But I am going to stop early, and end this by saying.
Even when you don't make sense, and you are practically a veggie. I still like you.

New York City

I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever.
Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.

Writing

Some things are hard to write about after something happens to you.
You go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts, or ignore the important ones.
At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.

Maybe

I think maybe we’re all interconnected by some weird thing that sleeps inside of us.
I’m trying to decide if it’s sad or not.
I think a lot of soul mates part ways and they can still be soul mates because they’re interconnected. There have been so many love stories where two people weren’t or couldn’t be together but they were still meant for each other and their stories weren’t any less passionate.
I want to believe in the idea that two people in love would stay together forever but I don’t think that’s always the case.

And I really wish it were the case.

Illustrations