My twenty-first day without You

A lot of people, and things from my past keep showing up.
None of them are bad. But, I feel like it's the world, showing my different paths I could go down. Different roads, I guess? I sound insane.
But each different path, just reminds me of how much I want to be on a road with you.

My twenth day without You

I am lucky to have you in my life.

Even though you are miles away.

I am lucky to know you.

Sometimes, I take that for granted. I always want or ask for more. 

But seeing your face and hearing your voice over skype is always the highlight of my day, or week.

I  am lucky.

My nineteenth day without You:

I keep waking up from nightmares only to find that I bite my lips in my sleep.

My seventeenth day without You:

Things go wrong.
Things don't last.
People lose each other.
Forever, is irrelevant.

My sixteenth day without You:

How do you do that?
Act like you don't care, like you don't feel anything?

Because I can't do that.
I feel.
I feel everything.

My fifteenth day without You:

I've been looking through my old writings today, and I found short story I wrote called ' N '.

This is from the last page:

It doesn't matter, really. 

No matter who she heard it from.

No matter where she saw it.

Every time it was him, her heart running back to him.

She never did anything about it.

She never made it known.

She wouldn't even notice if  it wasn't for the aching pain it left behind.

And it did. Every.Single.Time.

She soon learned that holding her breath made the pain ease. 

And so she did.

She held her breath.

My fourteenth day without You

Sometimes, I get so frustrated, so worked up.
 And then, moments later, I don't even know what made me so worked up in the first place.
So then I have to calm myself down, step by step.
That's why I need you.
Even when you drive me mad, you always seem to put my mind in the right place, you calm me down, even when you're the reason I am upset in the first place.
I hate/love you for that.

My twelfth day without You

"He always lived in his head. He never cared about how things were, only how the would be, someday, when he had everything he wanted."

My ninth day without You

I've never had to deal with death.

I've never had to hold something until it's last breath.

I've never been around anything, only to see them stop fighting for their lives.

And I was lucky, that way. I was, and still am, ignorant on death and loss.

But, on Thursday night. I held my new puppy- all night. And at four in the morning. She stopped fighting, and I felt her leave. And, I've never experienced anything that surreal, painful, and scary.

Besides you leaving, of course.

R.I.P. Dixie Rose

My seventh day without You

“There are certain emotions in your body that not even your best friend can sympathize with, 
but you will find the right film or the right book , and it will understand you . “- Bjork

My sixth day without You:

I love that moment.

The moment where you're doing nothing significant really-

Making coffee, on your way home from some place, lighting a candle, cutting out shapes from paper.

And you realize, that things can be okay. 

Things might be okay.

All the negative thoughts are ignored.

And troubles, and stress.

And you're left with, even just for a moment, of pure calm. 

And it's in these moments, I like to think they happen, because, right then, you're thinking of me too.

My fifth day without You

This song reminds me of us sitting on the air bed across from one another, eating cherry blow pops, looking at each other, and not saying a word.

My fourth day without You

There are some conversations that are too sad to write about, too melancholic to even mention, and some that are best forgotten.

My third day without You

The second hardest thing I've ever had to do, would be trying to explain my broken heart to a 4 year old. 

Aunt: Oh, sweetie, just leave her be, she doesn't feel good.

4 year old: What's wrong?

Aunt: Her heart is broken. 

The four year old walks up to me and asks " How'd you break your heart?"

Me: It's a long story, darlin', and not worth getting into. 

4 year old: What does it feel like?

Me: It hurts, kind of like when you fall of the swings.

4 year old: I always get bruises. Do you have a bruise?

Me: Yeah, but you can't see it. 

4 year old: Did you put a band-aid on it?

Me: I am trying, it just won't stick on.

4 year old: I am sorry you broke your heart. Just hold on real tight to the swings next time.

Let's get you another band-aid. 

Sadly, I think it was the holding tight that got me here in the first place.

My second day without You

I am starting to think my mother was right. Everyone leaves and gets on with their lives, and I am just stuck, alone.
You get to immerse yourself in a new city, job, and people.
I am just here, trying keep busy by cleaning everything imaginable, and wondering if you're thinking of me.

I wish you were here to talk to me.
I also wish I could take off your Mates Of State shirt, but I can't seem to bring myself to.

My first day without You

It's been different, with you gone, even for twenty four hours. Everything seems to move slower.

The flowers you gave me have smelled up my entire room, and it makes it easier to sleep.
.

A week is such a long time to be away from home, and it's nice to be back.
It's the only thing keeping me semi-sane, to be in the room, that's the color of your jacket.
I'll just pretend I live in small room, in the pocket of your jacket.
 Like a genie, with no powers, and a lot of books.

(The favorite)

My last day with You

Your flight for New York City left thirteen minutes ago. This all came too soon.

Today, I've been on that thin line of emotions, because this is the day, that you left me.

I woke up, against my body's desire to sleep, drove to your house, and walked up to your room.

 Your door was open, that was weird. 

I took my shoes off before I entered, so I wouldn't wake you up, I got so close to just sneaking in your bed unnoticed, until I put my keys down. Your eyes cracked open, and you smiled. I smiled back, and you held up the covers so I could get in. 

You're the best that way. You love sleeping. 

We didn't say anything, for awhile. Which never really happens. I am always yapping. But today, this was it. 

Our last lazy morning together, and I wanted to bask a little bit longer- and not have it be ruined by my pointless words.

Today,though, was full of a lot of goodbyes, and we had to get a move on. 

As you got up and showered, I just lay in your bed. Trying to pause time with my mind, and trying to make sure I got every detail of your room, so on rainy days, I could remember it just right.

A few hugs and a shaved beard later- we were off. 

Our last trip to Tooele together.
You've always loved the drive, and next to you, it's the place I call home.
The weather was over cast and rainy, and although you wanted it to be sunny, I felt comforted that the weather felt just like me today.
When we got there, the house was empty. It's never empty. 

But, it was a perfect chance to give you the gift I've been wanting to for awhile.

 And although you opened it, and seemed happy. 

I always feel so sappy and stupid with the gifts I give you. 

And, while making us some Top Ramen, I started crying, and you had me dance with you, just to make me stop.
The family came, and amazingly enough didn't say a word about "you making a mistake about leaving me behind", and I was glad it didn't stress you out. 

They love you, just like they love me, and it makes me swell with happiness, that you are already family to them.

On the drive back home, we tried to go and see the big rock out by the Great Salt Lake, but I couldn't seem to find the way to it, so, after driving on back roads, and pulling in view areas, and taking pictures the entire time, we decided we should just head back home instead. 

Time seemed to be going by so quickly. 

When we got to your house, we sat in the car awhile and talked, while I kept crying on and off. I was trying to be so good, at this whole not crying thing. 

I am sorry I am such a baby. I blame genetics, really.
We went inside, and you got your hair cut. 

I got teary eyed at the start, but I put in a lemon mamba, and pulled through. 

Mostly because I think you're so handsome with short hair. 

You look so proper, like, you should wear a tux every day.
So, after your thrilling hair cut, we rushed to your grandparents house for dinner. 

And the meal, was practically all vegetables, and I couldn't have been more thrilled.
 I think your grandparents are the best.
They have the best stories, and such a cute sense of humor. 

I hope, if I ever grow old with you, or anyone, that I can turn out half as good as your grandparents.  

After dinner, we headed back to your house, it was 7pm now, and things had to be done.

 So after checking all of the luggage weight, and putting in odds and ends, you asked me to go down stairs with you. It was the last time, I'd be in that room with you.  

You haven't ever felt the need to decorate your room, and I think it's funny that you have all the loose ends from everyone else's decorating.

And, we talked, and said the things that were on our minds, and I cried more. And you brought in some flowers, candy, and a letter for me. 

(I knew you were being funny when you asked what my favorite candy was..)
But, even still, I was so happy, you, and your family are so sweet. I probably didn't express it enough, but it meant the world to me.

I gave you my letter shortly after words, and that was the first time I felt comfortable having someone open, or read things I give them in front of me.  

After awhile, we went back up stairs, and spent your last hour with your parents, brother and sister. 

Your whole family is funny, and I always feel so comfortable around them.

We packed the bags in the cars, and headed to the airport. 

That car ride was hard, and mostly silent until we started reaching the airport.

 I started panicking. 

Of course, leave it to me. 

This was it. 

Where everything stops. Where my heart races, and my minds pounding.

After getting everything out of the car, we hugged, and kissed, and said the things we thought we should.

I helped you bring the bags into the security, and waiting in line, I had to go.

 I hugged you tightly, and had to force myself to let go.

 This whole thing was probably so awkward for the workers, and your sister.

 Poor Sara. 

So, I let go, and you told me 'Good Luck' and I smiled, because, you need the luck right now, not me.

As I walk away, your hand slips from mine. That might have been the hardest thing to do, walk away from you. As I walk, my heart is pounding, and I tried to focus on the people around me. Ear buds in, walking fast.

I cave, and look back to you. You're in line, moving forward, with that massive carry-on.

I get to the sliding doors and take a quick, last look at you. You were at the front now, and half of you was blocked by a pillar. My sight becomes blurry, and brush the tears off. I wondered if you looked back for me, at all. And I walk through the doors, into the crisp, bitter night.

On the car drive home, I was okay. The sound track was perfect, with no crying, or crashing.

It was when I got to a stop light, I lost it. 

It was all setting in. 

And the chances of you running back for me, to me,changing your mind, were completely gone. 

Once I got home, I sat in the car and starred at the flowers you had given me.
You've never given me real flowers before.

And the street light made it seem like they were planted just for me. 

For this day.

When I went inside, and got into bed, I cried, and I fought even harder not to cry.

 But while I was falling asleep, a thought came into my head, that made tears stop, and my eyes shut. 

The thought was ' It was all real.'

I made this blog for you, to make the miles seem shorter, if you need.
I love you, kid.